Journey to Radical Faith, Debra's Story

Chapter 3 entered 1-20-2023   Married   Now beginning her senior year in high school, Debra was bored with the fun and games most of her classmates seemed enthralled with. She only looked forward to Dirk’s arrival after completing his Basic Training in the Air Force. He travelled by bus from Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio to Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls. He travelled right through her home town with a stop at the bus station where she saw him for a few minutes before he was back on the bus and on his way. Life was perfect as she and Dirk began this new phase of their life together. He travelled two hours on Friday evening after Tech School class, spent the weekend at her family’s home, and travelled back on Sunday night to be in class Monday morning. Debra lived for the weekends. She had spent the summer working as a dishwasher in the busy café where her mother cooked. The job was hard work with heavy lifting, but Debra thought nothing of it. She looked forward to her paychecks because she was shopping to fill her hope chest with items she and Dirk would use in their new life together. She loved making preparations and dreaming of the perfect life she would live as a wife and mother. Her greatest treasure in her hope chest was a set of stainless-steel silverware with a beautiful rose design on the handles. Family meals at the table would be the coming together time for them. They would visit with each other, and share the experiences of their days together. It would be an enjoyable time together. She wanted none of the negative, down-grading comments dished out at her mom’s table. Then came the day Dirk sprung an unexpected question. Their plan was to be married as soon as Debra graduated High School. Dirk was scheduled for a pay raise and asked Debra to marry him as soon as it came through. She shook her head no, and immediately he said, “You’ll still finish High School.” Debra took it as a promise and saw no reason to wait, so she said yes without another thought. This new turn of events put their wedding just before Thanksgiving and gave Debra only three weeks to plan a wedding. She was happy with this. She didn’t want a big wedding. She just wanted to be married. She gave no thought at all to her parent’s tight budget or busy schedule. The church was, of course, the hub of all of life. The pastor’s wife excitedly began preparations to make the simple little church building presentable for a wedding. The plain glass windows got a coat of paint applied in swirls with a sponge to look opaque and marbled. She was the pianist for the church and had the wedding march music already in her possession. She sent Debra to the music store for a special piece. Debra found Whither Thou Goest, a song about the fact she would follow her husband wherever he went. It was fitting for the bride of a military man. Debra’s aunt happily volunteered to make her wedding dress, a simple empire waisted long dress with a satin ribbon and long puffy sleeves with a very wide cuff, a popular design for the brides of the ‘60s. Dirk’s mother had sent lace from Germany with a beautiful rose pattern. Debra made her two attendants’ dresses in the same pattern of a minty green shimmering, satiny fabric. Carrie would be her bride’s maid, and Debra’s childhood friend, Avery, would be her maid of honor. Dirk would wear his Air Force dress blues, and his best man would be Debra’s Marine cousin since all of his family were still in Germany. Dirk borrowed a military sword to cut the first slice of their cake. Everything went together in a whirl of activity. Debra worked constantly and so consistently she barely took the time to eat. Her 105-pound frame became 95 pounds during this three week period, but she did not even notice. Little did she know her health would suffer for this, and it would take years to put a little healthy weight back on. As the wedding plans came together, and the big day was a few days out, Debra stopped long enough to realize she had not consulted her constant companion, Holy Spirit. She then asked, “Isn’t this a good plan? Isn’t this going to be a wonderful life?” Debra stopped cold when she heard, “He will not raise his children right.” Debra had involved everyone in her wedding preparations. All the dresses were sewed. The invitations were mailed and delivered. The flowers and the cake were ordered. The church people had worked hard to beautify the building. She had spent every penny her parents could spare. This negative news was not part of her perfect plan. For a moment she caught her breath and panicked. Then her arrogance took charge, and she blatantly spoke these words to the Lord God. “No matter. I can raise our children right. Haven’t I absorbed your words till they are embedded in my heart? I will speak of you to them in every situation and teach them of you every day. I will take them to Sunday School where they will learn songs about you and hear all the Bible stories. My husband will provide for us, and I will involve myself with training up our children in the way they should go. It will all work out.” Thus, Debra went on her merry way with her own plan according to her own understanding and her own will. The big day came, and Dirk and Debra moved as husband and wife into a tiny, cozy house rented near the Air Base. The wedding night Debra had dreamed of was not what she expected, but no matter, her perfect life didn’t need every detail to be according to her dreams. Everything would work out. Didn’t the church teach a husband and wife are committed to each other and were to work out every detail together? Debra knew the church’s teachings well. Dirk said he grew up in the church, too, so he knew the teaching well also. They were married a week when Dirk took Debra to the church skating party. Debra loved roller skating, and thought what fun it would be to skate with Dirk. Then came the shock Debra never expected. Dirk caught sight of a very pretty girl he had known before moving to Germany, and he was off to catch up with her dragging Debra behind him with a vice-grip grasp on her hand. Around the rink they went several times with Dirk grinning at the girl and Debra being drug behind like a piece of luggage on a strap. Debra felt completely humiliated and tried to pull her hand from his. He would not let her go. Finally, she gave her hand a sudden jerk and was free. She hurried to the ladies’ room to hide. She wanted to fall through the floor. She felt disrespected, rejected, and literally crushed. She stayed there till she knew she could not hide out any longer. She somehow got through the blur of the rest of the party. As the party was breaking up, and everyone was leaving, Dirk gave a very friendly invitation to his friend, “Come on over to my pad sometime!” The girl threw a look at Debra and knew without a word spoken that Debra was saying, “Don’t even show up at my house, girl!” Debra wanted to go home to her parents’ house but dared not. A wife did not run away from her husband and go home to mommy and daddy. A wife committed herself to her husband and worked out every problem that arose. Did not the church teach God hates divorce so much he can barely tolerate a divorced woman? Debra knew well how divorced women were treated in the church. Any who dared show their faces there once did not try it again. Debra was smart enough to know for every divorced woman there was also a divorced man, but she dared not argue about the fact divorced women were the only ones God could barely tolerate. She forced herself to gather her thoughts and her resolve. She would stick it out. Divorce would not happen to her. God would not hate and barely tolerate her. The next morning, Debra and Dirk would attend the nearby Nazarene Church. Debra rose early and began preparing for it. Dirk jumped up from the bed and drug her back to bed. He wanted his new wife snuggling in bed with him. Debra got up several times to be ready for church and each time Dirk reacted this way. Debra thought they must not be going to church today. Suddenly, Dirk jumped up and exclaimed, “We gotta get going! We can’t be late for church! Grab a comb! You’ll have to comb my hair on the way!” Debra combed Dirk’s hair as he drove and felt mortified when they pulled into the church parking lot within minutes. Dirk jumped out and headed quickly toward the door. Debra’s long hair was unbrushed and messy. She was embarrassed beyond belief but hurried after Dirk so as not to be left behind. Debra wanted to sink through the floor and heard not a word of the sermon. After the service, Dirk spent his time visiting with one of the teenage girls. She wasn’t particularly pretty, but her long hair was brushed and smooth. Debra sat in mortified silence during their conversation and felt stunned when she heard her husband of one week and a day say, “Look at my wife. If I could catch her, imagine what else I could catch.” Debra understood at this point, she was merely the first token on the string. She did stick it out, but hurt, anger, and bitterness grew in her heart. She reacted with anger and distance over the next two weeks any time she was reminded of the way she was treated at the skating party and at church. She sulked and glared. Forgotten was her promise to God she would never treat her husband with an attitude of disrespect. She had no respect in her heart for him at this point, and it showed. Dirk was angry about her behavior. He saw nothing wrong with the way he conducted himself. As they were out running errands and the day was drawing to a close, he suddenly stopped the car in a dark, empty parking lot. Reaching for the door handle he told Debra, “I’m going back to the barracks. When you want me, you can find me there!” Debra panicked and grabbed his arm. “Don’t go!” she begged. Immediately she was subdued and afraid of what she was losing. Dirk did not go, but went home with a smoldering anger and a new found power over the wife who thought she was his one and only girl. Debra was realizing he did not want a one and only. She had planned her whole adult life around him. Everything was about him. But his everything was far from being about her. She felt crushed and bruised in her spirit, rejected and unwanted. Debra had never known the fear of abandonment before, but it was planted that night and would grow and become her greatest fear, her weakest point, and Dirk’s easiest target. Debra became very submissive now. She dared not push Dirk into walking out on her. At nighttime he became more and more demanding. The movies and magazines he loved were ghastly to Debra. Her sheltered church upbringing had protected her from pornography. She had never even seen a picture in a girly magazine. Now married and out of her parents’ home, these things were the normal activities of the evenings. Dirk demanded things of her that she could not even have imagined before marrying him. His anger at her ineptness frightened her. One night in a temper he exclaimed, “I know it can be done! I saw it in a movie!” She was frightened, yet physical impossibilities cannot magically be performed. She endured his angry outbursts. Debra’s sleep was disrupted with a recurring dream during the next several months. She dreamt she and Dirk were walking down a hallway holding hands, smiling at each other. Speaking sweetly to each other. Debra was happy, and Dirk appeared to be happy, too. They went to the end of the hallway, opened and walked through a door closing the door behind them. Suddenly they found themselves standing in the middle of the room. Pretty girls were sitting in chairs against the four walls, smiling young teenagers. Suddenly, Dirk turned to Debra and pushed her down. She landed with a thud on the floor and a shocked expression on her face. Dirk grinned at the girls as if he had played a wonderful joke for them to enjoy. As soon as he pushed her, the girls all together burst out laughing. As she sat on the floor they looked down at her laughing hilariously. Debra woke as she tried to pull herself up off the floor. Her heart pounded, she was in a cold sweat, and her emotional pain was unbearable. It was as if she had literally experienced this humiliating dream in real life. Night after night this was her exhausting experience. Debra knew she had better soon get enrolled in school. Thanksgiving was over and Christmas vacation began. She and Dirk had only one car, so arrangements would have to be made. She brought up the subject to Dirk thinking he would work out a solution with her. His response was, “You can’t get back in school right now, we’ll be moving as soon as I get out of Tech School.” Debra felt confused by this way of thinking but assumed she would enroll as soon as they got moved. Soon a letter came from Dirk’s family in Germany. His dad wrote, “Remember, P is for pill not Papa.” Dirk showed this to Debra and said, “So we better get to the doctor and get you on the pill.” Debra wondered why Dirk’s dad was making the decision that they should not have children yet. Debra longed for a family, and until this moment, Dirk did, too. Or so he said. But she complied. These pills made her so sick! She was nauseated constantly, vomiting up everything she ate, and felt as though she could not eat anyway. She also had an uneasy sense in her spirit this was not right. She didn’t know why this put so much discord in her spirit, but she complied with Dirk’s wishes. Dirk got word that his grandfather in Nebraska was very ill, and his mom would travel to visit him before he passed. Dirk made arrangements at the base for a weekend trip so his mom and his new wife could meet. Debra was excited for the opportunity to meet her mother-in-law. Dirk spoke highly of her, and Debra was sure she was a great person in Dirk’s life. She wanted her to be a great part of her life, too. Dirk was to go to class on Friday and as soon as he got home at 3:00 they would get on the road to Nebraska. This was the first trip for Debra and Dirk as husband and wife. Debra planned carefully. The suitcase laid opened on the bed as she placed carefully each item she and her husband would need on this trip. She planned carefully for the clothes they would need for the three days. Hygiene items were organized and ready to pack. She took her time, making sure everything was just right. She was surprised at noon when Dirk came rushing through the door. How wonderful! They could have lunch together, Debra would add the finishing touches, and they would be on their way. Their first adventure together. Not so! Dirk rushed to the suitcase, slammed it shut, headed for the door and said, “Get in the car. Let’s go!” Debra barely managed to grab her hair brush and their toothbrushes in the whirlwind as they headed out. She felt irritated at this disruption. She liked making a plan and doing according to it. Now she saw Dirk liked doing things spur of the moment blowing off the plan. This irritated Debra more. He was the one who planned the timeline! Skipping lunch made her more irritable. The feeling of chaos irritated her. At this moment, Dirk irritated her. Again, her promised attitude of respect for her husband was out the window. The trip was long, and Debra was exhausted as they entered Dirk’s grandmother’s house, Dirk’s dad’s mother’s home. As they entered the front door, Debra walked close by Dirk’s side in her shyness. She was excited to meet her mother-in-law but wanted the security of Dirk’s closeness. Instead, his mom grabbed her in a vise grip grasp and pulled her close making Debra feel like a trapped rabbit. The encounter was not what she imagined it would be. She thought they would say their helloes and glad-to-meet-yous and have some sweet conversation. This grabbing behavior frightened her and she pulled away and clung tightly to Dirk. Grandmother, on the other hand, made the small talk conversation that Debra felt comfortable with. She liked her immediately. Little did she know the friction between this woman and her husband and mother-in-law. She would hear about that in time. The house was very large, two story, Victorian style with a formal parlor and doors that closed off the parlor by sliding into the wall. Debra had never seen such a house except in pictures. It was beautiful! An antique piano stood in the parlor, and Debra learned this piano was Grandmother’s gift from her father when she was three years old and began her lessons on it. The whole house was full of antique furniture, some of it hand made by Grandmother’s husband when they married. The entryway of the house contained the open staircase to four upstairs bedrooms. A full basement contained the laundry room and a now unused coal burning heating system. Debra was intrigued. What a different life this grandmother lived compared to Debra’s grandmother. Grandma had moved as a child with her family from Missouri to Texas in a covered wagon. Her antique treasures consisted of the traveler’s trunk from that trip which was the storage place for her wedding dress, several of her babies’ dresses (which were worn by both the boys and the girls) a porcelain baby doll, her bone knitting needles (which she taught Debra to knit with), and an iron horse statue. What a contrast, and yet Grandma’s treasures were every bit the treasures to Debra as they were to Grandma. She loved to hear the stories Grandma told as she displayed each item before lovingly packing them away again. Debra saw no difference in the value of the contrasting treasures. They were family history, and she loved them. Her greatest treasure at this point in time was her husband and their little home, and she was happy to return there. In Debra’s life growing up, getting together with friends and family was done often. She had many aunts, uncles, and cousins, and her grandmother’s house was the gathering place for them all. Her friends in high school were also her grade school friends. Avery’s mother was Debra’s mother’s best friend. They had known each other for years. In Debra’s lifestyle, getting together with family and friends was just the way things were done. You spent time with the people with whom you had important relationships. She brought it up to Dirk that she would like them to take a weekend back in her home town and get together with her friends. He had been friendly with them, and it was only two hours away. She was shocked into silence at this response. “You think you’re still going to be friends with them!?” he asked incredulously and with a great sneer on his mouth. Debra stopped cold. Why was she not going to be friends with her friends? She didn’t understand this way of thinking, but she complied. Dirk’s attitude seemed to call her stupid over this, and she felt stupid for asking. However, Dirk’s high school friend from a neighboring town where he lived before he moved to Germany showed up soon after, and they renewed their friendship immediately. He had recently married also. Dirk and Debra got together with them for meals and backyard touch football, and it was fun for Debra to begin a new friendship. Her shyness kept her from making new friends easily and she was glad for this opportunity. Strangely, Dirk left them behind easily when they moved to his next Air Force assignment at Brooks Air Force Base in San Antonio. All was forgotten. It was all so strange to Debra. Her new life was nothing like she’d planned. Everything she and Dirk had discussed and planned seemed to be thrown out the window. It was as if Dirk had closed the book of plans and promises, and picked up a new book of strange behaviors and unexpected demands. It made Debra feel anxious, but she was determined to stay the course. They would work it out. Such is the hope of a willful soul clinging to the plans laid in the small, small world of self.     Chapter 2 entered 10-24-2022 Foundation     Debra sat down to write a letter to Dirk. It gave her comfort to share the details of the current situation. She poured out all her thoughts and emotions surrounding the accident and the miracle that her sisters’ lives were spared. She wrote of the grueling hours wondering what would be the outcome. She informed him of the suffering she was watching as Jackie lay uncomfortably flat on her back and Susan’s bandages covered so much of her body. She shared with him her gratefulness to God that her sisters would recover. She wrote of her terrible feelings of guilt that she had sent them to the store that day. She wished she could talk to him in person, but Summer was over, and his Air Force dad had orders for Germany. His family was at that moment packing their belongings to move there. The one thing Debra did not share was her encounter with her new friend, Holy Spirit. She would not dare speak of it to anyone. What a braggart she would be if she told how Holy Spirit came to her in the same way he came to Samuel of the Old Testament. How dare she claim such a thing! The Nazarene Church was very strict in their teachings, and Debra took them very seriously. Bragging was a sin that must be cleansed from her heart, and she would not put herself under the condemning words and glances she knew would come. Somehow it was comforting to keep this precious secret safely hidden away in her heart. It was too sacred to share even with Dirk. Dirk had been living in a town two hours away from Debra. They met two years earlier and began their friendship at church functions. Nazarenes took the training of their youth very seriously. They intended to raise up the next generation to live in purity and clean living. This was called sanctified; set apart for God’s purpose. They gave their youth many opportunities to socialize with likeminded people of their age group. The churches in nearby towns connected in well supervised social functions where Nazarene youth could interact and build relationships. They kept them sheltered from the ways of the world which were considered worthy of nothing other than eternal hell. It was at one such function Debra met Dirk. She was one of the delegates selected to attend the Nazarene Young People’s Society, NYPS, where she would listen to speakers and participate in voting for next year’s officers. Pastor and Mrs. Ellis were part of the delegation, and the church provided hotel rooms for the overnight stay. Walking to her hotel room after the morning session, Debra saw a familiar face. A girl the same age of 15 whose father had been the pastor of Debra’s church before the Ellises came. “Irene! I’m so glad to see you!” “Hello Debra! Wow! We’ve both grown up so much since I lived there!” “We haven’t changed all that much. We still recognize each other.” Just as the conversation was starting a boy of about the same age walked up. “Hello Irene. Who’s your friend?” “Hello Dirk. Meet Debra. We were friends when my dad pastored the church in her town.” “Glad to meet you. I’ll see you later Irene”, and he continued on his way. Debra felt a little shy about a boy asking to meet her. Irene explained, “Dirk went to another church where my dad was the pastor. I don’t know him very well. Debra’s shyness caused her to be awkwardly quiet for a moment. She was anxious to change the subject. “How do you like your school in your new town?” “It’s alright. I’m used to changing schools. My dad’s job keeps us moving a lot, you know.” “Yes. I can’t even imagine. I’ve lived in the same town since before I started 1st grade.” They laughed together at the difference in their lives. It was wonderful to them both to reminisce about the short period of time they had been friends in the same church. Now here they were, interacting again in church functions. It was a small world sometimes. They parted with smiles and happy feelings. Every Summer Debra and her siblings attended church camps as was the trend. Debra looked forward to seeing all the casual friends she knew from there. They gathered from all over the West Texas District. Debra didn’t keep in regular contact with any of them. She had her close-knit group of friends in the town where she lived, but they all enjoyed seeing familiar faces from other towns every Summer at camp. Youth Camp was different from Children’s Camp. All the girls were now more interested in clothes and hairstyles than in crafts and games. They also had an intense interest in impressing and interacting with the boys; likewise, the boys with the girls. Counselors kept a close eye on them, and attendees felt a little irritated by all their watchfulness. “Can I just talk to a boy I like without someone interrupting and acting like we’re doing something bad?” You may hear time and again. “You know the rules. No holding hands. Stay in the group,” was the usual reply. Debra had no intention of breaking the rules. She was much too shy to take a chance on being pointed out for reprimand, and she dared not do something that would result in her mom receiving a report about misconduct. She and her close friends tended to stick close by one another. They gave moral support, and besides, it was their custom to do everything together. There was always safety in numbers. “Hello Debra,” came a boy’s salutation beside her. “Hi Dirk,” was all she said. Her shyness was almost painful. He didn’t spend any more time trying to talk to her. Debra watched him as he interacted with other people in the group. She noticed he only was talking to girls, but was much too naïve to think anything about that. She admired his friendliness and wished she could be so fearless. She hated her shyness. Dirk spoke to Debra every time he saw her. This stirred unfamiliar feelings in her. She was not used to having attention from anyone, much less a boy. By the end of the week, she was beginning to feel quite special. She became so focused on his attention she did not notice he treated all the girls with the same kind of attention. She was reading something into their interactions that made her think of romance and made her heart beat strangely fast. These were budding new feelings to her. Home from Youth Camp, life was back to normal until the next week. A letter arrived in the mail for Debra from Dirk. She had never received a letter from a boy before. This made her feel very special, and again, very shy. She did not answer his letter right away. She did not know how she should react. Debra did not want to share her letter with her parents or siblings. They obviously noticed she had received it. They all were staring at her as she left the room. She wanted to read it alone in her corner of the bedroom. When she came back into the living room all the family were again staring at her with curiosity. Her mom was especially curious, watching her with a strange smile on her face. Her dad had a more direct gaze than was his normal casual glances. Her younger siblings were gawking with silly grins on their faces. They obviously wanted to hear all about it. Debra ignored them. She had no intention of sharing it with them. They could mind their own business. Debra kept her special secret to herself until Saturday when she could spend the afternoon with Millie, a cousin and one of her best friends. She would share her secret then. She showed Millie her letter. Millie showed her a letter she had received from Dirk also. In Millie’s letter Dirk had asked about Debra. He wondered if she liked him. He couldn’t tell because she wouldn’t talk to him. Millie sat down to write back to him that Debra liked him. He should keep writing her. So, he did, and thus began the romance that made Debra catch her breath as her heart quickened whenever she thought of him. She looked forward to Family Camp at Summer’s end where she would see him again. She looked forward to every letter she received and found it easy to lose her shyness as she responded in her letters to him. This was a new era in Debra’s life as she made the transition, leaving childhood and entering womanhood. Debra began to dream then of having a family of her own. Wouldn’t Dirk be a wonderful husband?! The church had brought them together. To Debra’s thinking, this meant they believed in the same things, they valued the same things, they would keep themselves for each other, they would raise a family together, and God would be pleased with them. Hadn’t he written many times of his beliefs as the church taught them? Hadn’t he written of growing up in the church as she had? He was her perfect one. At the tender age of 16, by letter, Debra and Dirk made the promise and commitment. They would finish high school, Dirk would join the Air Force in a career to follow his dad’s footsteps, and Debra would make their house a home and care for the children God would bless them with. Debra would be nothing like her mother who reprimanded and scolded constantly, or so it seemed. Debra promised God she would teach her children and help them grow. Now, at the age of 17, Debra’s encounter with Holy Spirit started a fire in her soul to learn everything she could devour about Jesus. Bible study was no longer just a Sunday School lesson forgotten as soon as she exited the classroom. Each scripture burned into her soul and became part of who she was. Bible reading was a joy to Debra now. She devoured everything she could find about being a wife and a mother, and about everything she could expect from Dirk as a Godly husband. She would keep her hands busy in their home and insure everyone was well cared for. She would plan great meals, cook, sew, and keep her body healthy and strong for their benefit. She would conduct herself with dignity and have no worries about the time of growing old, as her beloved grandmother showed her a woman should do. She would speak with wisdom and kindness, looking after her household in every detail of their life together. Dirk would admire her and say she was the best of all the women on earth to him. Their children would be respectful of their parents and grow up to return to Debra and Dirk all the blessings of the wonderful life they would grow up in.[1] She had it all planned. Debra dreamed of having three children, a boy and two girls. She would ask God for this desire of her heart, and he would give it to her. She had no doubt of it.[2] She and Dirk would grow old together with a house full of grandchildren coming to visit. Grandchildren would be their greatest treasure on Earth. [3] Debra and Dirk would provide for their children every good thing, everything for their benefit.[4] Their children would be trained in the ways of the Lord. Debra and Dirk would teach them. They would talk of God and his ways in everything they did and in every situation in life. Their children would hear of God daily. This would ensure they would grow up to be good, honorable, and responsible people. They would make their parents proud.[5] Having children of her own was Debra’s most precious dream. Debra had everything planned. As she and Dirk left their childhood homes behind to start a life of their own, she would submit to him as the head of their household, he would love her unconditionally, and she would continually treat him with admiration and respect.[6] In Debra’s wonderful dream of her perfect life, her home and family would be loving, safe, and secure.[7] Such was the naivete of an untried soul without the strengthening of spirit that life’s scars would produce. Such were the dreams of a young girl becoming a woman, sheltered from the world and all its deceitfulness. And such was the foundation of a house built on the sand of assumptions without proofing.[8]   [1] Proverbs 31:10-31, Titus 2:4-5 [2] Psalm 37:4 [3] Psalm 127:3-5 [4] Luke 11:11-13, Matthew 7:9-11 [5] Proverbs 22:6, Deuteronomy 6:5-7 and 11:19 [6] Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Peter 3:1-7, Titus 2:4-5 [7] Colossians 3:18-21 [8] Matthew 7:24-27     Chapter 1 entered 9-22-2022 First Encounter   It was a beautiful Saturday in late Summer, and a teenager in Texas took full advantage of the warm weather enjoying the outdoors. Debra’s favorite pass time on the rural property her dad rented was walking alone and exploring everything nature would show her. The fresh clean air was invigorating as she observed the birds foraging for seeds and insects, or young ones trying their wings and learning to fly. The creek was intriguing as she sat so still, she went unnoticed to observe a group of raccoons splashing in the water at their evening meal. Walking the pastures got her body moving to get her energy spent. It was quiet time that gave her a reprieve from the seemingly constant barrage of reprimanding and belittling of a mother whose first daughter had become a teenager far too soon. Debra took it all personally and took every opportunity to remove herself from her mother’s company. Debra looked forward to the last cook out of the year with her friends before school was in session again. As usual, she procrastinated in her responsibility and didn’t purchase the drinks she volunteered. She was engrossed in the pleasures of the moment. No worries. The little general store in the rural community always had cold cokes ready for thirsty customers. Little sisters could always be counted on with a little coaxing and the promise of a sweet treat. Their friend visiting was newly licensed to drive. Help was a cinch. Of course, they would argue for a moment. “We’re busy. Get your own stuff for your stupid party!” “You can get yourselves a candy or ice cream. Just put it on the account.” Off they went. Debra didn’t give a thought to the fact she was spending her parents’ hard-earned money using their account for her bribe. Such was the mindset of a girl of 17 in the whirlwind of teenage hormones. Debra saw them on their way and busied herself with the outfit she would wear. Her long reddish-brown hair needed attention. She intended to make an impression. Her sisters would be back with her purchase in a few minutes. No time to waste. She was interrupted in her preparations for a moment by a faint, shrill sound. Was that a scream? She paused to listen. No, she must have imagined it. In a house full of children there was always noise of some kind. Noise was normal. Moments later one sister, Carrie, ran through the door crying and calling for their mom to come quickly. A terrible accident happened. Jackie and Susan were hurt, and it looked real bad. The desperation in Carrie’s voice and expression sent Debra and her mom running full speed with her down the quarter mile driveway from the farm house they called home. The family car sat in the middle of the road. Jackie was sitting on the side of the pavement with her leg twisted at a very odd angle. She sat in shock, not even a tear falling, quietly pleading for help, afraid of the punishment she was sure would come. “Mama, don’t yell,” she repeated again and again. Her voice was so weak it barely carried to Debra’s ears. Jackie’s face contorted in horror as a car came around the curve. “It’s not stopping!” she screamed. It did stop, and the driver turned on the four ways to caution other traffic that may come. Margie, the driver, was on her hands and knees looking under the car with an expression of absolute anguish on her face. Debra bent down to look, and there the youngest was pinned. Susan’s knees were curled up under her, and she kept trying to raise up as if she wanted to stand. The axle over the back of her shoulders allowed her to lift only her head. Then her head fell face down back to the pavement. Debra could see the effort took every ounce of strength from her small body. It was more than she could bear. The neighbors gathered around in shocked concern. “We called for an ambulance. It’s on the way”, one of them informed. Debra’s dad arrived on the scene as several of the men discussed the possibility of moving the car. They put forth a great effort and lifted the back end to roll it to the side of the road. Susan collapsed on the pavement. Her dad slumped against the car and watched as the women rushed to surround her. Debra could see that chunks of skin had been ripped from her legs and scalp, and one hand was bloodied as well. It seemed an eternity before the ambulance made it the ten miles to the dairy farming community, though actually only a few minutes had passed. “Oh! My shoes!” Debra’s mother exclaimed as she started to climb into the ambulance with her husband. She ran in such haste to the scene she did not even notice she ran barefoot down the rocky driveway. One of the neighbors took her own shoes off her feet and gave them to the frightened mother. They flopped off her heels as she stepped, being a size too big, but it didn’t matter. The ambulance rushed away, siren screaming. The sherrif’s deputies had arrived on the scene as well, but Debra couldn’t concern herself as they interviewed Margie about her role in the incident. Debra was consumed with fear for her little sisters. She numbly made her way back home. Feelings of guilt overwhelmed her as she came to herself and remembered her role in sending the group to the store for her belated purchase. Debra went to the bedroom she shared with her three younger sisters. Falling on her face on her bed, she cried out to God with all her heart for her little sisters’ lives and their recovery. A neighbor accompanied her and Carrie so they wouldn’t be alone. When they calmed down and seemed able to cope, the neighbor went her way to care for her own family of small children waiting at home with their dad. Debra continued to pray late into the night waiting to hear from her parents. They arrived home looking exhausted and sadder than Debra had ever seen them. Jackie had been placed in traction to allow her broken leg to align. The diagnosis at the time was that she would recover in about three months in the traction sling. She must lie flat on her back for this to take place. Her injury would not threaten her life. Her parents breathed a prayer of thanksgiving and turned their full attention to their youngest. The news was not good for Susan. The doctors prepared her anguished parents for the worst. They must face reality and prepare themselves for their youngest child’s funeral. Her ribs were splintered and her lungs punctured. Her breathing was hard and fast as she forced herself to keep drawing it in for the sheer tenacity of clinging to life. They said she would not make it through the night. The haggard look on the parents’ faces as they entered their home sent Debra spiraling further into her own anguish. She cried out to God with all her breaking heart. Her mother tried to comfort her with words of hope for God’s help to get them through this tragedy. “God is with us. We’ll find the strength to deal with what comes.” Debra was not comforted. The family went to bed exhausted, but Debra slept very little. She cried out to God to send the Comforter she had learned of at church. She knew he was real. Jesus in the Bible promised he would send him. Debra was a young child when she dedicated her life to Jesus in Children’s Church. She knew from the Bible stories God cares for people in their troubles and sorrows. She prayed silently also for a miracle to save her little sister’s life. The next morning Debra’s parents rose early and prepared to face the expected at the hospital. Debra saw to it her younger brother and Carrie made it to church. Church was the hub their life revolved around. The small congregation gathered round them to comfort and offer any kind of help they could give. The tears flowed, and prayers were offered up. Pastor Ellis was kind and concerned as he prayed fervently, “Lord God of all hope, we come before you humbly, yet boldly asking for a move of your divine and mighty right hand. Let Susan receive your help. Let her not die but live, and tell of the wonderful works of the Lord. Let her and Jackie heal as quickly and completely as possible. Let them grow up to be servants of the Lord and doers of your word. And yet we must humbly also say, not our will but yours be done. Take this tragedy and turn it for your glory. It is in the mighty name of your precious son, Jesus, we pray, and we lay it down before you.” Debra wanted only to ask for their healing. Her tears flowed again at the thought that perhaps God’s will was not the same as hers. She wanted her sisters to be well. She wanted life to be back to normal. The drive home was sad and quiet. Debra offered sandwiches for lunch, No one ate. No one had any appetite or inclination to do anything at all. The house was eerie and quiet. Life had come to a standstill, and everything seemed in slow motion. No one even spoke. There was nothing to say, nothing to do but wait. Then the amazing happened! Their parents entered the front door with beaming faces. The siblings listened, stunned, as they recounted the events of the day. They entered the ICU that morning to find their young daughter still very much alive and breathing normally. She was praying fervently in her child’s voice mentioning each of her family members by name. How they rejoiced at witnessing this scene! As the morning wore on, the doctors called them to her side as she began to regain consciousness. She opened her eyes, looked around, and became very agitated as she realized where she was. She exclaimed, “Where is my beautiful room?! Why did you take me out of my beautiful room?! I could see out the window, and the flowers were so beautiful! I want my beautiful room!” The grateful parents did all they could to calm and comfort her, not understanding these demands. The doctors gave her a shot to calm her and make her sleep. Then they had to take her to surgery for one of her fingers had been injured beyond repair. It had to be amputated. She would grow up with deep scars, but her life had been spared. Life was at least bearable again for this family. The work week resumed as usual the next day, and a few days later the school year began. It became Debra’s responsibility since age twelve, when her mother took a job outside their home, to wake her sisters for school. Mark was up by 4:00 a.m. and off to work with their dad in his dairy before leaving for his high school classes. Debra missed helping Susan brush out her long brown hair, and the morning was strangely eerie as she and Carrie were the only two that morning. Carrie boarded the bus alone for her junior high classes she would finish this year. Debra imagined how Carrie would feel as she would watch the grade school students exit the bus without Jackie and Susan. Debra wondered for a moment how this situation would affect the school year for them. Jackie should move into Junior High now, and Susan should be in grade school for another two years. She wondered how they would finish with their class mates. Debra enjoyed the quiet of the house as she waited for her mid-morning classes. She busied herself with some housekeeping chores when, softly spoken behind her came, “Debra.” She whirled around to see who had entered their house and spoken her name. “What?” she exclaimed, before seeing that no one was there. This was very puzzling. Was she losing her mind? She busied herself when again, “Debra” came softly behind her. This time she looked behind her but said nothing. Again, no one was there. Now she was feeling afraid. She knew she was alone, yet she was hearing clearly this voice speaking her name. She busied herself as it was almost time to go. Again, “Debra.” Looking behind, seeing no one there, suddenly she knew. God had sent the Comforter just as she asked. He knew her name. He spoke to her. He cared to come to her. The peace in her heart was incredible!          Preface - 9-12-2022   In the beginning was God, the Father of all created things. His name is YWHE. It is like the sound of a breath. His home is Heaven, perfect paradise. In his home are many mansions, abundant food for many banquets, streets paved with pure gold, a river of the Water of Life, along its banks growing the Tree of Life. The Tree of Life contains health and wellness.[1] Angels are his created beings in Heaven, most of them loyal to him eternally. His most beautiful angel, Lucifer, possessed great musical talent. Lucifer filled YWHE’s ears with such rhapsodies and symphonies; they were living things! YWHE showed Lucifer great favor. Lucifer began to grow prideful and thought to himself, “I will raise myself over the clouds, and I will have a throne above God. I am the same as God.” Then YWHE loathed Lucifer and cast him out of Heaven, for only one can be God. There is not another like him or above him. One third of the angels loved Lucifer and chose him instead of YWHE. They fell from Heaven with Lucifer.[2] They will never be allowed to return. YWHE loved his angels who remained loyal to him. He also longed for the love of children made in His own image. He understood full well in creating these children, he opened his heart up to be broken again, for they could not love him in return without the ability to choose him over any other god. He loved these yet unborn children enough to give them the right to choose, the right to love or reject him. They would even have the ability to choose Lucifer over him. Yet he longed for them. YWHE made his plan and set it in place.[3] He created Earth with nature and set her laws into motion. He created a beautiful garden growing every kind of plant and animal, each reproducing its own kind. In the garden he pooled fresh and abundant waters teaming with life and refreshment. Now he was ready for his most precious creation, his children made in his image, the species man. He created them male and female and set them in their perfect garden home.[4] He gave them instructions about their responsibilities. They would care for the garden and all that lived in it. He set in it the Tree of Life, for this garden and all that it contained were flowing with the spirit of life. He set in it also the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. He instructed his children they may eat of any plant in the garden except this one. He required them to obey his instructions. In this would be their choice, whether they would obey and stay with him, or whether they would disobey and separate themselves from him. In disobedience to him, the father of truth and life, they would be choosing the father of pride and self-promotion, Lucifer, also called Satan. Father visited his beloved children every evening, and all was well…for a time. Lucifer noticed all the activity taking place. He watched from afar, not wanting to be discovered spying. When he saw that YWHE had created his most treasured creation, he said to his minions, the demons, the angels who had followed him in his fall from Heaven, “Let us watch these creatures for a time. We will study them and see where is their weakness. That is where we make our move. We will steal this precious creation away from their father. He will not have them long. We have the power to inflict pain on the very God of the universe. The laughter that erupted among the demons was raucous. The musical tones of their voices had been forever lost in their separation from YWHE and his perfect paradise. Lucifer then entered a serpent, a snake, so he could approach the woman, called Eve, the female of the species man. He was well hidden within this creature which Eve was familiar with so she was unafraid of engaging in conversation. Out of the snake’s mouth Lucifer spoke. “Has God told you that you may eat of any of these trees in the garden?” Eve answered, “We may eat of any tree except the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. He said if we eat of it, we will die.”  Lucifer’s eyes gleamed in his wickedness as he spoke with a seductive voice, “Oh, that is not exactly what will happen. You will not really die. God does not want you to eat of it because He knows if you do, your eyes will be opened, and you will know good and evil just like he knows.” This triggered Eve’s curiosity and enticed her to take a close look at the fruit of this tree. For the first time she noticed the fruit looked incredibly delicious. She reached for a piece, and Lucifer slipped quietly out of sight knowing he had set in motion the fall of all the species man. Eve tasted the fruit, and truly it did taste delicious. She took it to her husband, Adam, and told him he should try some, it tasted so good! He did taste it, and immediately they knew for the first time they had done evil in the sight of YWHE. They were afraid and ashamed, things they had never felt before. They then covered and hid themselves. They did not want him to see them. They had disobeyed their beloved father.[5]  Lucifer snickered under his breath as he returned to his lair and his vile band of demons. They watched triumphantly as this scene unfolded, gloating in the knowledge they had stolen YWHE’s beloved. When Father came in the evening to visit his children, he knew at once the beautiful flowing spirit of this creation was disrupted. His children were hiding from him, and the spirit of this place was askew. For the second time his enormous heart broke. His grief was unspeakable! His tears began to flow. YWHE called out to His children saying, “What have you done?!” Adam said, “Eve gave me the forbidden fruit and I tasted it.” Eve quipped, “The snake tricked me into tasting the fruit.” Because of the snake’s part in the deception, the father cursed it, saying, “You are more cursed than any animal on the earth! You will crawl on your belly in the dust from now on! There is now hostility between this seed you have planted and the seed which I will send through woman! You will bruise my seed on the heal, but he will crush your head!” To his beloved Eve, he said, “You must now have pain in bearing children. Your need for your husband will be intense in ways you have not known before, and he will be the one ruling over you.” To his beloved son, Adam, he said, “Because you listened to Eve’s voice instead of mine, the ground can no longer take care of your needs. You must work hard to provide for yourself and your family. You must sweat and toil until you die. Then your body will become the dust from which I formed it.”[6] Father had to put a guard on the Tree of Life.[7] He was the author of truth and life. Lucifer had now made himself the author of lies and death. Therefore, he could not allow his beloved children to eat of this tree. He could do nothing but accept the fact they had chosen his enemy. He watched, grieving, as his beloved children lost their spiritual sight and were no longer able to see Him. They watched in horror as the gates of the garden closed and they were cast out of it forever into a land of weeds, briars, pain, and hardship. The Father grieved. His beloved children deserved His wrath. They had ruined everything! However, mercy is the balance of justice in the scales. Father could make a plan for His children. He would redeem them. He would have a second son, his own seed which he would send through woman. This time, he would not be a son created from the dust; he would be a born son.[8] This son would take the Father’s Spirit to earth and establish his Kingdom there the way it is in Heaven. This son would not fail, because he would be one with the Father, they three one; Father, Son, and Spirit, sent for a purpose. Lucifer could mar all of creation, but he could not mar YWHE’s Spirit. Lucifer would be defeated and then unable to steal what belonged to YWHE for all eternity. Thus began the war.   [1] Revelation 22:1-2 [2] Isaiah 14:11-15 [3] Genesis 1 [4] Genesis 1&2 [5] Genesis 3:1-7 [6] Genesis 3:9-19 [7] Genesis 3:24 [8] Ephesians 1:3-14            This is a story of a journey to radical faith. It is a story of joy and sorrow, of dreams of a future and dreams crushed, of hopelessness and awakening, fear and courage, and the “training of the hands for war”.      This is a true story which the Lord God compels me to write. Let it be for your encouragement, perhaps for someone’s training, perhaps to give someone insight, perhaps to open someone’s understanding that God is kind and generous to his people and always at work for our benefit.      This is Debra’s story, not her real name, but her identity will remain unknown as she wishes. Some of the details will be changed in an effort to protect her identity, but the story is true to her experience.      Come along with her on a journey to radical faith. Your life will never be the same, and you will not go back!